A parody about the Catawba County District Attorney Republican Primary by Lee Harper

I don't know if this is the author's real name, but this is hilarious and dead on in so many ways. It was in the commentary section of a Hickory Daily Record article on their website (entitled Death Threat Detailed) pertaining to the Catawba County Republican Primary for District Attorney. This District Attorney race is so embarrassing in so many ways. I hope these men will take a good, long look at what they have displayed to the public. What issues have been defined in this campaign, certainly not many of a positive nature. This sums up these campaigns in a nutshell with some comic relief:

Tomorrow is the big day and hopefully we can put this whole mess behind us and move forward and start attacking the black guy.

I know there have been many hurtful things said on here but we need to leave them in the past. No Jay I didn’t say “Pabst” put the glass down. Surely the wise words of our supreme creator, you know the one who called Shawn Clark into the DA race, Ronald Reagan…”"The best minds are not in government."

If Shawn looses and eventually gets disbarred he will have an outstanding career in the used car business. He has so many supporters who believe what he says He will get rich enough to be a real republican in Catawba County. A word of advice Shawn, act now and buy as many flood cars in Tennessee as you can and re-sale them here for huge profits as the current DA would have no clue as to the legality of this.

If Jay looses he can always fall back to his plans of making a drinking game out of watching Sesame Street and taking a shot whenever they show a white person.

I suggest to mend the Republican fence that both candidates take a weeks vacation Wednesday to Las Vegas together. Court wouldn’t miss Jay, they haven’t missed him in years why start now? We know Shawn knows how to make last minute flight and hotel reservations and they won’t sleep together. Five seconds ok?

We all have gone through a lot in the last few weeks. I hate that we missed a good debate as Jay skipped the chance. I don’t fault him as he was worried they would bring up the “Taste Great vs. Less Filling” question and he wouldn’t want to make the father-in-law nervous if he chose the wrong side. Luckily we did hear how God spoke to Shawn and urged him to run and as an incentive he can break Commandments 2, 6, 8, 9 when he pleases with no repercussions.

Maybe after tomorrow the healing will begin. The McHenry crowd will come out of the closest and support their party. Maybe they will lift their hems of their dresses and show who is wearing the pants. Maybe they will remove the ball-gag and shout for their fellow republican.

I think Jay will support Shawn. I think he is the sort to take chances…like riding shotgun with a drunk at high speed on an interstate or risk being operated on by a doctor who clearly doesn’t make correct decisions hastily. Jay will take a chance with Shawn when he faces the bar. Name a bar in NC that Jay hasn’t faced.

We must remember the true victim here…Ms. Turnmire. She has been drug through all of this and it isn’t big enough of a sensation to get a deal for movie of the week on Lifetime. She got an all expense paid vacation to Vegas and can’t tell anyone about it or show the pictures. She lost a boyfriend but gained a trusting husband and we know those are a dime a dozen. Please Tiffany keep the faith and I hope you vote Tuesday.